


I'm okay

by atir8891



Series: Prison one-shots [1]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: A whole lot of love, Angst with a Happy Ending, Feelings, M/M, Prison, Sad Ian Gallagher, Soft Mickey Milkovich, dealing with the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-21 10:43:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21298151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atir8891/pseuds/atir8891
Summary: Ian and Mickey have been in prison together for a couple of weeks. Mickey is distant and Ian doesn't know how to make things better between them, so he's just dealing with his feelings of guilt and sadness on his own. Then one night Mickey finds out what Ian's been going through since they've been locked up.
Relationships: Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich
Series: Prison one-shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1570444
Comments: 6
Kudos: 133





	I'm okay

**Author's Note:**

> hi there! this is my first fic and I'm not a native speaker, so this is a bit of an experiment for me really, but I'm feeling pretty proud of it so I thought I'd post it. If you're reading this, please let me know what you think! Your feedback will be very much appreciated. Thank you :)

It’s been almost two weeks since Ian found out that it was none other than Mickey fucking Milkovich that he was going to share his prison cell with for the next two years. Immediately Ian had begun feeling emotionally overwhelmed and guilty at the thought of all the times he hurt Mickey in the past, but he hoped this development meant that he was getting another chance, and although he didn’t feel like he deserved one, he was going to make the most of it and enjoy this opportunity to be reunited with the love of his life.

But things aren’t like they used to be, at all. Sure, they fuck every night and Mickey’s doing everything in his power to make sure that Ian is safe and that he’s getting his meds, but Mickey flinches at every single one of Ian’s more tender touches and every time Ian tries to talk to him about the past and apologize for all his mistakes and the hurt he’s caused him, Mickey quickly changes the subject or gets really angry, making it abundantly clear that he doesn’t want to hear any of it.

Ian doesn’t know what to do or how to make things better and he’s really worried that he might inadvertently end up making them worse. So he goes along with it, with the emotionless fucking and the trivial conversations that never amount to anything real about how they feel or about their future together. He knows that he deserves all of this and he understands why Mickey wouldn’t be able to trust him after everything he’s done. Yet he can’t help but feel miserable, more miserable than he ever thought was possible, considering he’s spending his days and nights with the only man he has ever loved.

____________________

It’s the middle of the night and Ian is quietly crying into the coarse material of the pillow in the bottom bunk of their cell. Mickey is sleeping next to him, but he’s suddenly woken up by a choked sob escaping Ian’s throat.

“Ian? Hey, you okay?”, he asks, turning his body a little to look at Ian.

“Y-Yeah, I’m fine, Mick”, Ian says as he furiously wipes the tears off his face.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m okay, go back to sleep”, he tries a half-smile, but Mickey knows him better than that.

Mickey turns to face Ian fully. “Ian, look at me.”

Ian’s looking anywhere but directly at Mickey’s face, unable and unwilling to meet his eyes. “Why?”

“’Cuz I know you and right now I know you’re bullshitting me.”

“What? No I’m not.”

“Yeah, you are. So, you gonna tell me what the fuck’s up with you?”

Ian looks around, more frantically now, as if something in his surroundings could possibly help him to get out of this situation. But he knows he’s kidding himself. “No. ‘Cuz you don’t wanna know, Mick”, he says, half muttering to himself.

Mickey raises his eyebrows. “And how is it you’re so sure I don’t wanna know, huh?”

Ian doesn’t want to do this right now, or ever, really. He doesn’t want to upset Mickey, he doesn’t want to make things worse, even though he’s having a hard time imagining how they could get any worse than this. But he can’t see a way out right now. So he takes a deep breath. “’Cause that’s not what you want from me. You don’t want this sappy, whiny bullshit. You don’t wanna hear what I have to say. You just want us to fuck, and that’s fine, it’s just… it’s just sometimes it gets to me, that’s all. And that’s why I cry, at night, when you can’t hear me. I try to be as quiet as I can, but I- I’m sorry I woke you tonight, Mick.”

Mickey is stunned into silence through the whole frantic monologue. After a while, he manages to speak. “You cry every night?”, he says softly.

“Yeah, pretty much”, Ian says looking down, like he’s ashamed of himself, and Mickey wants to punch himself in the face at the sight. “But I’m okay with it, Mick. Really, I’m fine.”

“You’re not okay if you’re fucking crying yourself to sleep every night, Ian”. He’s so angry at himself now. How could he not see it? How could he not know what this was doing to him?

“I’ll be okay. I can accept this. Really, I can deal. I’m not gonna force you to listen to my apologies and I’m not gonna ask you to love me again. I know I brought this on myself and I know this is what I deserve. Fuck, you wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t to protect my sorry ass.”

“Ian, that was my decision, you hear me?” Mickey tentatively reaches to cup Ian’s cheek and the movement causes Ian to softly start crying again. “You didn’t force me to get locked up again. That was my decision, my choice. Alright?”

Ian nods slowly, though he’s not sure he’s convinced he’s not the one to blame. And Mickey’s warm hand on his cheek only serves to remind him of the horrible things he did to repay Mickey of his love and affection in the past. “Well it’s all my fault anyway. It’s my fucked up decisions that led us both being here. That’s why I have to be okay with the way things are. I’m thankful I get to be near you at all, after everything that’s happened, and I get why you can’t trust me anymore. I just feel bad ‘cause you’re so unhappy and you get that sad look in your eye, like in your mind you’re somewhere else. You’re wishing you were somewhere else, instead of being stuck here with me.” Ian’s voice breaks and he sniffs a little, as he shifts in the bed like he’s trying to hide in shame.

Mickey is filled with sadness but at the same time he can’t believe how big of a pair of idiots they’ve been. Ian for thinking that when Mickey dreams of being somewhere else, it could be anything other than on a beach with Ian. And Mickey himself for not realizing that he was subconsciously punishing Ian for his past mistakes by keeping his distance emotionally and not letting him apologize. But really he was punishing himself too this whole time, because it’s true that he’s been unhappy. Because he didn’t know how to let Ian in anymore. It hurt too much to trust him again and even to hear his apologies, a painful reminder of all the shit they went through and that he tried very hard to forget about during these past few years. But at the end of the day, you can’t bury the past. And if you try, you’ll end up being the one buried underneath it.

He looks at his beautiful redhead, tears still streaming down his face, eyes still unable to meet Mickey’s. And he makes a promise to himself. He won’t put up walls anymore when it comes to Ian. He’s done it too much all through their relationship, but he’s done with that shit now. He’s going to listen to him. He’s gonna yell when he feels like yelling and he’s gonna cry if he feels like crying. He’s not going to hold back anymore. The only way they’re going to get through this is if they’re honest with each other about what they think and feel. No more running, no more hiding. He’s in this. And looking at him now, he knows Ian’s in this too.

“I shouldn’t have kept you at a distance, I’m sorry”, he whispers softly, his eyes closed.

Ian looks up suddenly. “No, you’ve got nothing to be sorry for, Mick.”

“I do, though. I should’ve let you apologize, heard what you had to say, instead of punishing you like this. And myself in the process.” His eyes are open now, wet with tears, looking right into Ian’s beautiful green eyes for the first time in a long time.

“I’m the one who’s sorry. I hurt you too much, too many times. Of course you were gonna have a hard time trusting me. I’m so fucking sorry, Mick. For everything. I love you.”

The sincerity in his eyes makes Mickey’s heart flutter. Maybe they really do have a chance at fixing things. At not letting the mistakes of the past ruin their future. But they're not going to do any of that tonight. “I love you, too.” He kisses Ian sweetly on the lips. “We’ll talk more tomorrow, I promise. We’re gonna hash all kinds of shit out.” He smiles, and to his delight, Ian smiles back. “Let’s get some sleep now though, okay?”

“Yeah, Mick, okay”, he beams and pecks Mickey on the lips one more time, looking at him with an expression of pure love on his face before closing his eyes. He can’t believe how lucky he is that Mickey is willing to hear him out and allow him to apologize. That someday he might even be ready to forgive him and trust him again. He doesn’t think he deserves to be so lucky, but from now on he’s going to do everything in his power to be worthy of Mickey’s love. He’s going to stop being so selfish and start focusing on Mickey for once. He’s going to do his fucking best to make him happy.


End file.
